I’m In a “We”

I know this is a strange title for a post but it makes sense. In this post I am writing about the emotion I felt when I witnessed/acknowledged the moment when I went from a single individual doing her best to make a place for myself in this world (with God’s help of course) to being in a relationship where we are doing our best to make a place for us in this world. This is not to say that over the course of our relationship what my beau and I have not considered our individual actions and how those actions affect the two of us. We continuously do because this is what happens when you love someone. When you share your life with someone you and consider the wants, needs, and desires of each other.

I’m thinking about the moment when by beau took “my” problem on as his own. When he selflessly asked me, “What are we going to do?” It never registered with me before that moment that I was not going to have to figure this out on my own, that I had someone that loved me enough to tackle this with me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had to be self-sufficient. If I didn’t get it done it was not going to get done. Then God sends me someone that supports me without having to be asked and without any hesitation.

I’m in a “we”. I finally have someone to give of himself to me as much I give of myself to him. I’m so thankful. I’m so appreciative that God allowed me this blessing. I can barely contain my tears as I think about it. I’m not alone anymore. Thank you so much Lord, I’m not alone anymore.

Dear {fill in the blank}

Another year has come and gone. I could do a list of the most memorable moments of the year. I could do a timeline of zany stories and activities that happened from January to December. I could but I won’t this year.

This year I’m going to write an open letter to many people. So, if you know me personally part of this letter could be for you and some parts not so much.

Dear {fill in the blank}, Another year has passed and we are not friends anymore and I can honestly say that I do miss you. I ran across a gift you once gave me and I had to quickly put it away so that I would not feel the sting that comes from the memories that we once had together. The end of our friendship can be squarely placed on both you and I, but I’m ok with our distance now because I learned how it feels to really lose a friend and how important it is to nourish the relationships I do have. I miss you. I love you. I pray God continues to bless you and your family.

I feel sorry for you. You are worth more than the poor relationships that you accept in your life. Love doesn’t hurt you they way this “love” hurts you. You are more than a sexual object. You will not find a man that values you until you learn to value yourself. I care about you, this causes me to be honest with you, and this honestly is hurtful at times. I apologize. I will try to work harder at being compassionate.

I don’t know what life would be like without you. I don’t get to talk to you often but that does not mean you are not close to my heart. You have a heart of gold and I envy your ability to give so freely. Your life is full and will always be full because you open your arms to everyone around you. Who would believe that the girl across the hall that I never spoke to would be one of the people that I most admire. You are gem. Never change, because when I grow up, I want to be like you.

I know this was not the life you planned for yourself. I know that you will continue to suffer in silence because you own your actions and will long-suffer through it all. I just want you to know that I know. I want you to know that it is ok to be human. It is ok to have a weak moment. We all have them. I love you and hope you know that I will always be a shoulder to cry on and have an ear that will listen when you need me.

I wish for you is to heal. Stop walking around with all the pain from your past because it is weighing you down. You can have better if you make better choices. We all make mistakes sometimes but you only experience growth when you learn from that mistake and no longer repeat it. I can’t want more for you than you want from yourself. So, when you decided to change. I’ll be here cheering you on all the way.

Go to church. Get involved. Stop playing around.

You {loud sigh}… I don’t believe in fairytales… but I do believe in blessings. You… are the culmination of my prayers wrapped in flesh. You walked off the pages of my journal straight into my life. I continue to pray that you are indeed the man that God created for me because even my imagination about a mate didn’t come close to you. Every tear, every heartbreak, and every unpleasant moment that I had to endure in order to get to you has been well worth it. I always had faith that a man like you existed but it is only when I hold you in my arms that I feel safe in acknowledging that you are real and not a dream. I don’t ever want to take you for granted. I will try to remember that you are a manifestation of my prayers and I need to treat you like the blessing you are. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.

With love,

Expected Victory

This post is for you…

yes, I’m talking to you. Do not be confused by the ambiguity of my word choices. I am talking you.

I don’t owe you anything. You made choices and decision and those choices and those decisions have defined your place in life. I never had ill will or sought to bring harm to your life but it seems that the essence of who you are is harm and destruction. This is evident by your life and the lives of people around you. I don’t say this to be mean or spiteful I say this because you have put on a mask and no one around you see the truly broken person you are. You will never move past your current situation if you continue to lie to everyone about the person you really are. I fear for you because your falseness and disingenuousness attracts others with the same condition. The faux reality that surrounds you is going to continue to strangle that light out of your life.

Just look around. Look at your station in life. Stop pretending. You look like a clown to me. You paint on your “face”, dress yourself in attention grabbing appeal, and “shuck and jive” for all to see.

Yes, I’m talking to you. I know you are fake. I know you pretend. I really feel sad for you.

No one is honest with you because honesty is hurtful but I’m going to tell you the truth and this the most loving thing I can do for you. Everything you touch dies and I am glad that I’m no longer within the reach of your grasp. Only with honest can you end the cycle damage you bring to yourself and others.

Love Brings Change

I had this naïve notion that when two people love each other the only those two in love have to make a significant change in their respective lives; especially if they have no baggage (kids or an ex-spouse). In my case, I thought that I would have open support from my family and friends… they would be bursting at the seams with excitement and joy because I have, at last, found someone that loves me as much as I love them. I have found someone that places my happiness at the top of his to-do list.

What bothers me is that some of the people that I hold dearest are not taking me being in a relationship well. It feels like they have a fear that they are going to lose me. That my priorities will shift from them to him. This thing is…. They’re right. We (my beau and I) have discussed and decided that we will get married. He has not proposed yet but he is ring shopping. When I get married he will have the number 2 position in my life (second to God). This is how life works… people get married and life changes … but why do I have to deal with the selfishness of others.

It is the negative comments, the small jabs, the outright selfishness that I have heard and witnessed over the last month that hurts my feelings tremendously. I have always supported those close to me. I’m pro-happiness. I never allowed someone’s life changes to evoke my own selfishness because I understand that love brings change. I just hoped that my support of them would be returned and when “my day” came I’d have the same ticker-tape parade that I’ve thrown for them. ****[Just so you know an example of the insanity I’m dealing with, my mother told me (in front of my beau) that her Christmas gift needed to be of greater or equal monetary value [SHE WAS SERIOUS]. ****

I’ve talked to several of my friends about this and they all have a consistent opinion:

1. This is new to everyone and I have to allow people to get use to my relationship.
2. They are happy for me but they just have some anxiety because there is a fear of losing me.
3. They have my best interest at heart and don’t want me to experience some of the bad they have experienced.
4. There is a twinge of envy.

I rationally understand most of this but emotionally I’m distraught. I’ve waited 32 years to have a love like this. I’ve listened, watched and leaned from others so that I can avoid some of the heart aches that come. I’ve been patient and prayed relentlessly for a man of God to enter my life. And all I get is lack luster support.

Even if we (my beau and I) crash and burn so what! Let me be happy today. Let me have the lighter than air feeling without anyone trying to shoot it down because of their own insecurity. I want this. I want to be happy. I want to be free to love fearlessly and I know that no matter what happens tomorrow God will keep me.

Anyway, I’m going to do what I want. We have not planned a wedding but I will one day. I’m excited. I’m happy. I’m overjoyed. I’m also broken-hearted because I’m the only one excited, happy and overjoyed.

Tell me what you think.

Nightgown Nightmare

Lately my tweets, post, text, conversations, and various forms of communication have been filled with loving antidotes about my beau. How much I lovvvvvveeee him, how sweet he is, how great he is, and etc. Now, I’m not one to think that any human being is perfect and so I have no naive notions that my beau is perfect. He always has a scowl on his face even when he is happy (LOL), he created the ugliest collage I have ever seen (I will write a post to describe that atrocity to man one of these days), he doesn’t let me win every board game or every argument, his OCD is worse than mine, and the most criminal of actions, he stole and destroyed my most prized possession (no, not my iPhone) my favorite night nightgown!!

I still haven’t been able to fully grasp the severity of his actions as my emotional state is still compromised (lol). My beau saw a few blemishes in my favorite nightgown, these blemishes sent his OCD into overdrive. For what seemed like hours he argued with me about my nightgown’s age and blemishes. Then it happened … he ripped the gown from my grasp and destroyed it.

I’m brokenhearted. My beau took away something dear to my heart simply because he does not like  it. Is this what I have to look forward to in our relationship? What changes will I have to make as we share our life together? Will he be willing to give up something that is near and dear to him if I don’t like it? The nightgown is a small concession… but it is a large indication of the direction our relationship could take. Or am I over thinking the whole thing?

 

******I will confess that the nightgown was a hot mess, huge holes all over, it no longer supported me, it was too short and not very cute. I did agree that he could dispose of the nightgown because I never would be able to let go of it on my own. I hold on to things I love relentlessly and even when the time to let is go has passed.*******

I was a nervous wreck

So my beau met my core family today. It went well and I truly expected my family to be welcoming and “on their best behavior”. I also knew that he had a lot in common with them and would be able to hold his own. He still has to meet the “crazy” side of my family; I expect “off the wall” behavior from them and one never knows what they will get when the whole crew is together.

What my family does not know is that every day, hour, minute, and second prior to me turning the doorknob to my aunt’s home with my beau in tow was filled with intense trepidation. I was so scared. I was afraid because there is no turning back from this. There is no greater exhibition of my intentions and feelings for him than letting him meet my family. I was afraid because I’ve made the biggest step in commitment that I can make. I know that sounds dramatic but sharing all parts of my life with him leaves me vulnerable and totally out of my comfort zone.

I kind of feel like I’ve given away some of my power… I’ll try to explain. If my power is my ability to be stoic about relationships then he is my kryptonite. See, I’m always in control of my relationships. I always play my cards close to the chest and I don’t allow my romantic feelings on display for others to see.  However, this man just does something to me that makes me want to move out of my comfort zone for him. I don’t mind the temporary anxiety I get when it comes to him because I want him to feel secure. I want him to feel confident in our relationship. I want him to know how much I want to grow with him.

I was a nervous wreck not because my beau met my family but because my beau got a chance to see how important he is to me.

Life Begins

I am inspired to write a poem

Life Begins

Life begins when you learn that the thing you hold so dear means nothing at all

Life begins when you are able to pick yourself up after a devastating fall

 

Life begins when the fear of staying the same outweighs the fear of the unknown

Life begins when you allow yourself to grow

 

Life begins when you forgive yourself for choices that you can’t change

Live begins when you can acknowledge your pain

 

Life begins when you say yes to your tears

Life begins when you release your fears

 

Never be more willing to live for another, than you are willing to live for yourself

When you are dead inside, you can’t give life to anyone else

 

Life begins

When you begin

To love yourself

Fear is real

Look at this… I’m posting twice in the same week.

Self-evaluation is essential to my emotional growth. For those of you that don’t know, I experienced some traumatic experiences as a child and my subconscious coping technique was to limit my capacity to feel emotions. This simply means there was a limit to how “high” (happy) I could feel and how “low” (sad) I could feel at any given time. I went to therapy for years in my mid-twenties once my subconscious removed the “dam” of emotional capacity; forcing me to feel many ranges of emotion for the first time. Essentially, I’m an adult learning how to deal with emotions that many of you learned to deal with as a child, teen or young adult.  I’m no longer frightened by the wave of emotions that I now experience but it still feels overwhelming. I state all this because I recognize/understand that I am allowing myself to romantically “fall” in love with the new man in my life. The emotions I am currently experiencing are good emotions but engulfing.

 Now back to my self-evaluation….  I grasp that I have to let go of the control that I seek to keep me safe from being hurt. If I lock my heart up behind a wall so that I will not experience pain, that wall becomes a prison that keeps love out as well. I realized that I can no longer compartmentalize my life with him in the same way that I have with other men in the past. If I want us to grow as a couple I have to be willing to my open heart and bare my vulnerabilities. I’m just scared.

The fear of feeling the full range of pain that comes with allowing someone totally in your life only to have them leave chills me to the bone. Can I survive that kind of hurt? What happens if I let him in and he leaves me shattered in a million pieces? How do I move on from that and willingly let another person in my life? I see so many bad relationships (married and dating); what makes me think our relationship will be different?

I am a bit cynical because there is so much pain in the lives of my friends and family because of their bad relationships. I see the “single married mothers” diligently and devotedly raising, rearing, and loving, their children with absent husbands/fathers. The men live in the home s with their wives and children. They go to work every day but are not a part of the family. These wives are strong many work just as hard as the “single mothers” if not harder.

Then you have the one sided relationships; this is when one party is desperately seeking the affection of the other. Not realizing that you should have to work so hard for someone to love you. I see the on-again off-again relationships that has been in the works for years; with one partner hoping for a long-term commitment after 6,7,8 years in the relationship. Sometimes I want to intervene but I will say this to someone I know… You deserve so much better than a man that required you to wait for his devotion after another women tired of his games. I’ve even seen people wait in limbo for another to make a choice between them and another person. I could go on… but my point is… I’m afraid to throw myself into a love that remotely resembles some of the tomfoolery I have witnessed.

I want to allow myself to enjoy the moment with this man regardless of the outcome he and I will ultimately share but it is hard to get passed the hurt I’ve seen in others.

Boyfriend

Boyfriend… Ugh..blah… yuck…  If you know me then you know that I do not like this term AT ALL!! I avoid this term at all cost. I prefer to say “significant other” … that is when I actually even talk about someone that I am romantically pursuing. Then I met A.H. who upon first meeting I thought would be my new male BFF (my two other male BFFs got married and forgot all about me j/k). I enjoyed A.H.’s company, he made me laugh, he was smart but I never thought we would materialize into anything romantic.

Then I woke up this morning and realized that I could not imagine A.H. not being a part of my life. He gives me that warm feeling that seemed foreign and so very elusive.  I tried my best to ignore my feelings for him because admitting how I felt would only open me up to vulnerabilities that I don’t want to share. Then a good friend of mine (one of my married male BFFs) reminded me that the joy of sharing my life with someone is better than any possible pain that it could bring.

This made me bite the bullet and let A.H. know how I felt, as cumbersomely as possible (lol). This was a difficult conversation for me to initiate and he knew it, but he made me feel comfortable and secure which makes me appreciate him even more.

So…I have a b..b..b…boy….boyfriend (lol)… although… he is giving my 24 hours to come up with a synonym for this term (since I object so sternly to the term) … he told me that he NEEDS a title… he does not want to be in a realm of ambiguity.

Self-reflection Stinks

I’m having a moment of self-reflection and the topic at the top of the list today is my attitude. When things don’t go the way I expect them to go or if I am disappointed I get an attitude. I know it, my friends, know it, my family knows it and if you stick around long enough you will know it too lol.

The means in which I display my attitude varies… sometimes I utter little humorous snide remarks, sometimes I bluntly tell you how your disruption in my plan has impacted me, sometimes I roll my eyes and pout and the worse is when I just don’t say anything at all (I would just tiptoe away from me at this point).  The thing is… I don’t have an attitude for a long time… in most cases after fifteen minutes of acting like a brat… I get over the issue… I may you hit with a couple jokes here and there… but for the most part I’m good (I like to say that I am just venting to your face). There are the times when I will draw something out to the end of time … a good example of this is in 1998 I went on a family vacation to Vermont and let’s just say things did not go as planned … I did not take another family vacation until 2010 (I’m not joking). I’ve tried to hold in my frustrations with people when they have let me down and pretend like it was ok only to explode later. I recall one event where I was planning a trip with five women, two weeks prior to the trip EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM bailed on me…. One after another they bailed… so by the time #5 canceled on me I was at my wits in with #1 – #5.  So I sent a text message explaining my displeasure with the group … no one responded and one person my (an aunt) was so offend by the text that she barley spoke to me at my 30^th birthday party (again I’m not joking).

As a consequence to my “attitude” my aunt T. says that people (friends and family) don’t like to tell me “bad” news because when I get disappointed I go to the “extreme”, I become sarcastic and rude. She also says that I don’t like to take criticism … Once my response to her saying that was, “Well, if I’m soooo bad everyone should just stop talking to me!” (Yet another overreaction she said).

I feel really conflicted about my attitude … A part of me feels persecuted…because some people never keep a promise, some people are always late, some people don’t deal with their responsibilities … yet their flaws are accepted. I get an attitude when people break a commitment and I’m rude… or “overreacting” when I tell you I’m not going to count on you again.

The other part of me knows that if the people that care about me tell me that I can have a bad attitude when I’m disappointed … they are telling me this because they love me and want what is best for me. I can understand that my response to disappointment can be hard for people to take… I can understand that my reaction is “entertaining” to all those that witness my reaction as long as they are not receiving the brunt of the attitude. I think that God has been showing me over the last several months that He is not pleased with my attitude … I honestly just don’t know the first step in changing. … well I guess I do, prayer. So I don’t know the second step to changing lol.

I don’t want to wake up one day wondering how I alienated all the people I care about. I don’t’ want to die and my only lasting legacy is a bad attitude.

 

“[Expected Victory] is the nicest person I know, she’s goes hard and will do anything for you…. Just don’t cross her.” BR